Little Maestro

Hand of God

5 years to the day...57 today

Wondering how it would have been to have you with us
Wondering how you would have grown older
Wondering how our lives would have changed if you were there
Wondering how happy we would have all been together

Thinking of you

Remembering My Father

My gratitude to God for my father. I am blessed to have known him, loved him, and been loved by him since the day of my birth.

My father has always been a very special person...flawed and imperfect, as we all are, but loving and generous. Today is my dad's 4th Death Anniversary. The man who had the most influence on the man I became passed away on Oct. 22, 2004. He succumbed to a heart attack at age 52 and It was one of the saddest days of our lives. My whole family was stunned as he had never been previously diagnosed with any heart conditions and it was a shock beyond words can describe. It has been said that the loss of a parent is one of life's most traumatic events. I now know the devastating truth of that statement. My dad was a very important person in my life, and he still influences me in his death. I am grateful for all of the things he did for me. I know now how right he was even when I thought I knew everything.

The last time I saw my father was a warm night in mid march, 2004. He dropped me off in the airport where I was scheduled to catch a flight back to NYC. He gave me a big hug and wished me well. He said he was proud of me and told me to take care of myself. To this day I can never forget those last moments and keep re-living them every time I close my eyes.

My father was a prideful man, but not like most would think of it. He was proud of the achievements of my mother and myself; Though my brothers were young, he always encouraged them to dream and achieve. He was proud of the achievements of everyone in our family; he was proud of the accomplishments of his friends and everything in my father's life centered on caring about others. My dad never let a friend ever be forgotten, no matter where he was, and that's a major tribute to the kind of man my father was.

My dad was a genius when it came to movies. He loved watching movies. In fact he was crazy about them. I remember he would stay up till 3.00AM watching movies almost everyday and he used to write reviews which were published for various magazines/papers. He had this knack of knowing what will click with the audience and he served as a story editor, writer and gave creative inputs for dozens of films. I remember a lot of producers and directors used to come to my dad for ideas around story and screenplay. When he listened to a story or a song for the first time, he used to say immediately if it will be a hit or flop and sure enough he was never wrong. And even now, when I watch a film or a show, the first thing I think is how he would critique it.

With my dad, every Sunday was 'Breakfast Day'. He used to take me, my brothers and all my cousins to have breakfast at our favorite drive in restaurant. I remember the first watch he bought me at Alsa Mall. To this date, I guard it with my life and wear it on every important occasion in my life. He also bought me a He-Man toy every month and I always think of him every time I look at my Castle Greyskull and remember how he used to play with us sometimes.

My dad was also a teacher early in his career and I remember all the lessons he used to give me when I was young. He used to be very strict with me when it came to studies and I remember every time I flunked, he would take extra time to tutor me and teach me the lessons again. I greatly enjoyed our time and after a while I began flunking on tests in 5th grade on purpose and would proudly come home and demand that he tutor me again.

I remember my dad taking me to learn how to drive. I got my earliest driving lessons from my dad in his white ambassador. I was so excited that he actually allowed me to get behind the wheel of his car and the more I got excited, the more paranoid he got. This one time, I remember getting into an accident as I misjudged the distance and rammed into a truck. Luckily no one was hurt and my dad was sitting next to me and had the presence of mind to handle the situation, while I was still sitting quite stunned.

Most of all, though, I remember my dad coming to the airport to pick me up and drop me off every single time I came back home. Ever since I left home, he had not even missed coming to pick me up and drop me off even once and I can still almost see him every time waiting for me when I go back home. Next was his belief in his God; belief was important to my dad. He used to make a trip to Tirupathi every year without fail even if he had to go alone.

I learned from his strengths; I learned from his weakness and it is all those strengths and weaknesses that has taught me how to be the person I am today. I was only 26 when I lost my dad and I so desperately to tell him how much has happened in the last 4 years since he has left us. I want to wrestle with him on the floor, I want to watch him working from afar. I want to fly him around the world and take him to all the places he always wanted to go but never had the time to. Though there are a lot of things I will never be able to share with him, he has left me with a life time of memories.

I never fail to think of him even though I know that he is not there anymore. Sometimes I pretend he is still there and talk to him. Over the last few years I have discovered many ways I am similar to my father, but it was not until this year that it really struck me just how many similarities there are. I cannot of course speak of them, but I just wish dad is still here with us to share our successes and happiness.

Miss you dad and we love you and I know you are watching over us and guiding us wherever you are!!

NY Mom

The Awakening...

A time comes in your life when you finally get it -- when, in the midst of all your fears and insanity, you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out "ENOUGH!" Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and begin to look at the world through new eyes.

This is your awakening.

You realize it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change or for happiness, safety, and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that you are neither Prince Charming nor Cinderella. And that, in the real world, there aren't always fairy-tale endings (or beginnings, for that matter). And that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you -- and in the process, a sense of serenity is born of acceptance. You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate, or approve of who or what you are...and that's OK. They are entitled to their own views and opinions. And you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself -- and in the process, a sense of new-found confidence is born of self-approval. You stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you (or didn't do for you) and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected.

You learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say, and that not everyone will always be there for you, and that it's not always about you. So you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself -- and in the process, a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance. You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and overlook their shortcomings and human frailties – and in the process, a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness. You realize that much of the way you view yourself and the world around you is as a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche. And you begin to sift through all the junk you've been fed about how you should behave, how you should look, how much you should weigh, what you should wear, what you should do for a living, how much money you should make, what you should drive, how and where you should live, who you should marry, the importance of having and raising children, and what you owe your parents, family, and friends. You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. And you begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for. You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you've outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with -- and in the process, you learn to go with your instincts.

You learn that it is truly in giving that we receive. And that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer" looking for your next fix. You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.

You learn that you don't know everything, it's not your job to save the world and that you can't teach a pig to sing. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake. Then you learn about love. How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving and when to walk away. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You stop trying to control people, situations, and outcomes. And you learn that alone does not mean lonely. You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs.

You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK, and that it is your right to want things and to ask for the things you want -- and that sometimes it is necessary to make demands.
You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity, and respect -- and you won't settle for less. And you learn that your body really is your temple. And you begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin to eat a balanced diet, drink more water, and take more time to exercise. You learn that being tired fuels doubt, fear, and uncertainty and so you take more time to rest. And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play. You learn that, for the most part, you get in life what you believe you deserve -- and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different from working toward making it happen. More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline, and perseverance. You also learn that no one can do it all alone -- and that it's OK to risk asking for help. You learn the only thing you must truly fear is the greatest robber baron of all: FEAR itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to giving in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your own terms. And you learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom.

You learn that life isn't always fair, you don't always get what you think you deserve, and that bad things sometimes happen to unsuspecting, good people. On these occasions you learn to not personalize things. You learn that God isn't punishing you or failing to answer your prayers. It's just life happening. And you learn to deal with evil in its most primal state -- the ego.

You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy, and resentment must be understood and
redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls. You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower.

Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never, ever settle for less than your heart's desire. And you hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind. And you make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.

Finally, with courage in your heart and God by your side, you take a stand, you take a deep breath, and you begin to design as best you can the life you want to live.

Memories...