Recession Time

Job Search under Obama's Policy :)

Yoga, Indian v/s Irish Style

and here is the Irish style........... with no props!!!

Wall Street Words

CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer.
CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.
BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewellery, and the husband gets no sex.
VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER -- What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.

Euro English!!!

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more > komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away. By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru. Zen ve vil rul ze world!!

Some Real Tounge Twisters!!!

1. If one doctor doctors another doctor does the doctor who doctors the doctor, doctor the doctor the way the doctor he is doctoring doctors?Or does the doctor, doctor the way the doctor who doctors doctors?
2. A Tudor who tooted a flute tried to tutor two tooters to toot. Said the two to their tutor, "Is it harder to toot or to tutor two tooters to toot?"
3. A bitter biting bittern Bit a better brother bittern, And the bitter better bittern Bit the bitter biter back. And the bitter bittern, bitten, By the better bitten bittern, Said: "I'm a bitter biter bit, alack!"
4. A tree toad loved a she-toad Who lived up in a tree. He was a two-toed tree toad But a three-toed toad was she. The two-toed tree toad tried to win The three-toed she-toad's heart, For the two-toed tree toad loved the ground That the three-toed tree toad trod. But the two-toed tree toad tried in vain. He couldn't please her whim. From her tree toad bower With her three-toed power The she-toad vetoed him.
5. Silly Sally swiftly shooed seven silly sheep. The seven silly sheep Silly Sally shooedshilly-shallied south. These sheep shouldn't sleep in a shack; sheep should sleep in a shed.
6. You've no need to light a night-light On a light night like tonight, For a night-light's light's a slight light, And tonight's a night that's light. When a night's light, like tonight's light, It is really not quite right To light night-lights with their slight lights On a light night like tonight.
7. The twain that in twining before in the twine, As twines were intwisted he now doth untwine; Twist the twain inter-twisting a twine more between, He, twirling his twister, makes a twist of the twine.
8. If a Hottentot taught a Hottentot tot To talk ere the tot could totter, Ought the Hottenton tot Be taught to say aught, or naught, Or what ought to be taught her? If to hoot and to toot a Hottentot tot Be taught by her Hottentot tutor, Ought the tutor get hot If the Hottentot tot Hoot and toot at her Hottentot tutor?
9. Once upon a barren moor There dwelt a bear, also a boar. The bear could not bear the boar. The boar thought the bear a bore. At last the bear could bear no more Of that boar that bored him on the moor, And so one morn he bored the boar--That boar will bore the bear no more.
10. If you stick a stock of liquor in your locker, It's slick to stick a lock upon your stock, Or some stickler who is slicker Will stick you of your liquor If you fail to lock your liquor With a lock!
11. Mr Inside went over to see Mr Outside. Mr Inside stood outside and called to MrOutside inside. Mr Outside answered Mr Inside from inside and Told Mr Inside to come inside. Mr Inside said "NO", and told Mr Outside to come outside. MrOutside and Mr Inside argued from inside and outside about going outside or coming inside. Finally, Mr Outside coaxed Mr Inside to come inside, then both Mr Outside and Mr Inside went outside to the riverside.
12. We surely shall see the sun shine shortly. Whether the weather be fine, Or whether the weather be not, Whether the weather be cold Or whether the weather be hot, We'll weather the weather Whatever the weather, Whether we like it or not. watch? Whether the weather is hot. Whether the weather is cold. Whether the weather is either or not. It is whether we like it or not.
13. Mr. See owned a saw. And Mr. Soar owned a seesaw. Now See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw Before Soar saw See, Which made Soar sore.Had Soar seen See's saw Before See sawed Soar's seesaw, See's saw would not have sawed Soar's seesaw. So See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw.But it was sad to see Soar so sore Just because See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw

Dear Tech Support

Email to Tech Support

Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the Flower and Jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as: Football 5.0, Rugby 4.3 and Cricket 3.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs; it simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate

Reply from Tech Support

Dear Desperate,
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.Try entering the command: C:/I-THOUGHT-YOU-LOVED-ME to download Tears 6.2, which should automatically install Guilt 3.0. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. WARNING: Beer 6.1 is a very nasty program that will create Snoring Loudly.

CAUTION: Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law. This is not a supported application and will crash Husband 1.0.In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally would recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck,
Tech Support

Who are you???

WHO ARE YOU???

1. You work very odd hours.
2. You are paid a lot of money to keep your client happy.
3. You are paid well, but your pimp gets most of the money.
4. You spend a majority of your time in an air-conditioned room.
5. You charge by the hour but your time can be extended for the right price.
6. You are not proud of what you do.
7. Creating fantasies for your clients is rewarded.
8. It's difficult to have a family.
9. You have no job satisfaction.
10. You are embarrassed to tell people what you do for a living.
11. People ask you, "What do you do?" and you can't explain it.
12. Your family hardly recognizes you at reunions (at least the reunions you attend.)
13. Your friends have distanced themselves from you and you're left hanging with other "professionals."
14. Your client pays for your hotel room plus your hourly rate.
15. Your client always wants to know how much you charge and what they get for the money.
16. When you leave to go see a client, you look great, but return looking like hell (compare your appearance on Monday AM to Friday PM)
17. You are rated on your "performance" in an excruciating ordeal.
18. Even though you get paid the big bucks, it's the client who walks away smiling.
19. The client always thinks your "cut" of your billing rate is higher than it actually is, and in turn, expects miracles from you.
20. When you deduct your "take" from your billing rate, you constantly wonder if you could get a better deal with another pimp.
21. Everyday you wake up and tell yourself, "I'm not going to be doing this stuff the rest of my life."

Oh Wait, You are a Software Programmer. OK. (Now, Now, What were you thinking??)

(When) Did the Mahabharata Happen?

I came across a very cleverly written piece a few months back but all my efforts to trace the writer has been unsuccessful. The article has since then been taken down (I wouldn’t be surprised if the psycho Shiv Sena’s had a hand with it), but luckily I had a saved copy of the article.

I think its pretty funny, so here goes…

This is one question that has been bothering me for a while. Like most of you, I too have learned history in school, but never found an answer because like most of you I too slept in the history class. But after doing some research I have found out exactly when the Mahabharata war happened.If this is not Kali Yug, then what is it?

Kali Yug is one of the Yugas as per the Puranic timeframe. First there was Satya Yuga, then Treta Yuga, then Dwapara Yuga, and now, Kali Yuga. Even though the Puranas stop at this point, this was followed by various minor Yugas that went undocumented. These include India-Got-Independence Yuga, Secularists-wrote-history Yuga, and Secularist-lies-got-exposed Yuga.

One of the dates mentioned for Mahabharata is 3130-3140 BC. This date is based on the work of Aryabhata (with one t), who lived from 476-550 AD. Aryabhata held that the earth rotates on its axis, and gave the correct explanation of eclipses of the sun and the moon. In mathematics he solved the quadratic equation. In his spare time he also found an easy way to compute the tip mentally after seeing a restaurant bill. But he could not figure out how to fill Form 1040 without using Tax Cut.

Aryabhata stated that Kali Yug started 3600 years before, when he was 23 years old, making the start year as 3102 BC. To this if you add the age of Krishna, subtract the year when he was born and do a cube root with the number of years the Pandavas ruled, it will be found that the Mahabharata war happened in 3130-3140 BC. Looking at this information we can infer one thing for sure: When you are a 20-year-old something in 500 AD, there is very little for entertainment. Another way to verify the dates of historical events is Archeology.

But more than Archeology, Philology has been used to write ancient Indian history. Philology, started by a guy named Phil, is a discipline devoted to the reconstruction of history and culture based on the comparative study of ancient languages such as Sanskrit, Greek, Latin and others. If the researcher does not come up with a conclusion involving all those languages, then he may not get a grant to continue research. Philology grabbed Indian history in the year 1785 when Sir William Jones started studying Sanskrit. He found many similarities between German and Celtic languages and postulated that all of these must have originated from the same source. Shared language means shared heritage, was the conclusion. The idea of one civilization spreading from Europe to India looked impressive. But there was one problem. How did the language spread from Europe to India?

So we got the Aryans, a group of horse-riding, fair-skinned, tuxedo-wearing people who invaded India and taught the dumb Dravidians everything from Vedas to Internet. There was one more problem -- they had to find one Aryan Homeland, somewhere in Europe. The main contenders were the south Eastern Europe and Frankfurt International Airport. Finally it was decided that the Aryans came from south Eastern Europe, which was finalized by throwing darts on a National Geographic Map of the world. The other day I was in K-Mart, looking to buy a bottle of Tang. I picked up the orange flavored one and it was written in Spanish that the flavor was 'Naranja'. Now in my home state of Kerala, a lemon is called 'Naranja' in Malayalam. So as per philology, Mexico, where Tang was made, and Kerala have a shared heritage. Now all I had to do was find a common homeland. For this I threw the dart at the National Geographic Map in my cubicle. But it hit my cubicle neighbor in the head. Anyways, she talks too loud.

Since I don't have a Sir before my name, the theory, 'Malayalees are from Mexico' is not popular. But it is important that we do some archeology to verify these philological theories. So an archeologist takes a shovel, goes to a spot where the earth has not been disturbed in recent times. Digging down, he finds various strata of earth clearly separated from each other. Motivated by the fact that he might find some bones, pottery, or tools that can tell a great deal about the history of early humans, he keeps digging. Finally he hits on an earthworm family, which was having a quiet earthworm lunch, and looks up and gives the choicest abuses in earthworm language.

Even though Archeology can open a can of worms sometimes, archeologists who conducted excavations in various places mentioned in Mahabharata found iron objects which included arrow and spearheads, shafts, tongs, hooks, axes and knives that indicate the existence of a vigorous industry. An analysis done based on these excavations points to the date of Mahabharata as 1000-900 BC, about 500 years before Buddha From what I have been reading these days, archeology is also not very popular with a certain section of people, like for example: historians. This is because Hindu Fundamentalists have been using Archeology to push back the antiquity of Indian civilization, according to Dr. D. N. Jha who told this in an article which appeared in the New York Times, and the reason for that is Saraswati. Through satellite photography, scientists have mapped the course of an enormous river that once flowed through the north western region of India. Dr J. R.Sharma who heads the Remote Sensing Services Centre in Jodhpur and his team believe they have found Saraswati, of the Ganga, Jamuna, and Saraswati (1988) fame starring Amitabh, Mithun and Jayaprada.

Saraswati, the river mentioned in the Vedas, is believed to have disappeared thousands of years ago. On this discovery, the Government decided to send archaeologists and geologists to explore sites along the river's course. We cannot predict what these archeological excavations will reveal. Maybe it will bring out more evidence of a civilization that pre-dated the Aryan Invasion, proving that when the Aryans came into India and tried to teach the locals how to use dial-up connection, the locals taught them how to use Wi-Fi networks.

The losers would be the people who championed the Aryan Invasion Theory and are not willing to change it in the face of new evidence. Archeological excavations in the Saraswati region would be a real historian's dream. But unfortunately this project was started by the democratically elected BJP Govt, which makes it illegitimate and motivated by religion according to the logic beamed into the critic's head by the aliens that appear in The Simpsons. That is the topic for another article.

But, anyway, we have an approximate idea on when Mahabharata happened. It happened in 1988 on Doordarshan.